Season 1 Episode 5 of Better Relationships After Baby Podcast
Listen to this episode here:
Show Notes and Helpful Links:
This episode is sponsored by Love Lingual. If you want to increase your conversations without racking your brain for topics, a deck of Love Lingual cards is what you are looking for!
Grab your deck here: Love Lingual Couples Deck and use CHELSEA at check out
Looking to grow yourself and your relationship? Explore coaching with me here.
TLDR Podcast Notes
- If you get into an argument cycle that is often disrupted by a passive aggressive or hurtful comment, create a code word to stop you where you are without an emotional charge
- Create a plan to ensure that discussions and tensions get resolved and not glossed over. This can be at a weekly meeting, a daily check-in, or an additional time you put on the calendar.
- When you need to get something stressful off of your chest but it is not urgent, give your partner a heads up and let them know you are unloading, not needing immediate attention.
To make sure you never miss an episode, subscribe to the podcast updates here
Share this episode with a friend:
Transcription of this episode:
I am so excited to share this episode with you guys because this is one of the behind the scenes with another mama podcast episodes. And you’re going to hear these mixed in throughout our weekly episodes. But we are going to just have a chat with a mom who is going to share a little bit of her story. And then we’re gonna get into one of my favorite topics, which is processing styles, how it’s impacting her, her husband, their family, and just work through it, give a few ideas get into maybe where we can break some patterns and make some progress on this topic.
So I’m, again excited to share this with you guys. Because I think sometimes it’s really helpful to hear another mom share their experience. And while it might not be the exact same as yours, I want you to walk away from this knowing that one, you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, you’re not broken. And that we are all on this journey of working on these skills and working through these common sticking points. And I think that some of the things that are going to be insightful and helpful for Mallorie, we’ll also be some takeaways for you. So thank you Mallorie for really being willing to join us today, it’s a honor to just be able to, you know, be face to face across the screen and get to know you and talk through the areas that you’re looking to just grow and get some new tools. So before we get started before we like get super juicy. Will you tell us just a background of you and your husband? When did you meet? Where did you meet? What was like the oh my gosh, he’s the one. And then you can tell us a little bit about how your family has evolved over the years?
{Mallorie}
So Kyle and I have are actually high school sweethearts. We’ve been dating since oh, gosh, I don’t know, end of 11th grade beginning of 12. And I think what I’ve come to realize over the years, is that I know that he is my person, because he makes me a better person. I think he has made me grown. He has helped me grow. And he really helped me come out of my shell. In high school, I was a little bit on the shy side, a little bit of social anxiety, but kind of once we started dating, I was like, Oh, whatever. I found my person. So I can be me too. I found me. And just through it all, he’s a very supportive not easily riled up. So basically, he’s my opposite. So we balance each other out. Well, typically. So and yeah, we dated through high school made it made it through college with one breakup, which you know, sometimes I actually think is a very good thing, because you know, that they’re your person. Got married in 2014. had our first wife got her dog two years later, had our first baby in 2017. So she’s now four. Then we had our second baby in 2019. She’s three and we just had a third little boy. And he’s seven months. So it’s been a lot of kids in a short amount of time.
{Chelsea}
Yes, well, you have to like each other to make that happen. Yes, good. Yes. What would you say? Was the biggest shift for you guys, when you went from, you know, we we knew each other through this high school season and through the college season? And then I think it was three or four years of being married before kids. Um, what was the biggest shift? You think, after having that first baby, and just all the transition that brings? So I
{Mallorie}
The biggest shift, and not really a shift, but I think it really brought out some of the different parenting styles from which we came from, and how to balance that out with raising our own child. I want to say that was probably that’s the one that sticks out the most is like, Oh, well, we were both raised really differently, like how do we come to an agreement on how to raise this baby? And I will preface that by saying also that I come from a long line of working with children. I was a teacher, I was a pediatric occupational therapist. And he had not had so much experience with children. So that really also played into that dynamic.
{Chelsea}
Yeah, yeah. Definitely, I love that you bring up the different parenting styles, because I think that’s something that we don’t really even think to discuss before we have babies, you know, we kind of have this idea that everyone is going to hold the same concepts and ideas. And it’s just not true.
{Mallorie}
Yeah, it’s like, pretty vastly different between the two of us.
{Chelsea}
Do you remember anything about those early conversations? And the the tough choices? Are there any big hot button issues that were tough choices for you to make together?
{Mallorie}
Let’s see. It’s hard to remember some sort of blur when you have four kids, and then three, four years, whatever, five years? Let’s see what Delaney nothing’s like sitting on the top of my head, I want to say it was really just I think the early postpartum days are hard, because his mom wanted to be really involved, which is great and lovely. But I also have my mom who’s close. And I don’t know, it’s just something about having your own mom there. I think that was a little tough, because his mom, like had ideas, too, that she wanted to share. And not that, you know, I didn’t want to take them. But I don’t know, I just feel it felt more comfortable with my own mom.
So I think that was that was kind of tough at first in balancing that and figuring out how to balance that like, because my mom’s with my kids every single day from she literally retired to watch my children. Okay. So yeah, so that was a bit challenging, I’d say, yeah. And then I’d say just just communicate, I just communication overall, like when you’re, it’s two o’clock in the morning, and your baby’s screaming. And neither of you know why. And we’re both like yelling at each other and taking the baby back. Like, no, let me do don’t give her to me. No, give it to me, I got it. And it’s just like, you’re like, What the heck are we doing? That, like for us? For me? Personally, sleep deprivation played a huge piece in just like, I’m in a bad mood when I don’t have sleep. And I think he doesn’t always know how to address that.
{Chelsea}
Totally. Okay. So for those of you listening, if that resonated with you, I just want you to take a screenshot right now and share this with your community with something like no good conversation happens at 2am. Because I hear this all the time, right? Like, we’re, we’re tired, we are stressed, we’re trying to problem solve, and that is when a lot of not nice things can come out.
{Mallorie}
Yes, totally. And people warn you people, that’s like the one thing that we were warned about, like close friends or like, don’t have discussions or arguments in the middle of the night. Still just fall into it.
{Chelsea}
Yes. You know, I don’t know if your parents ever said this to you. But there was that phrase of like, nothing good happens after, you know, between midnight and five. And that meant one thing, you know, as a teenager and a college student, and the statement stays true, but it just takes on a different persona in the early postpartum days. Absolutely. 100% Oh, my gosh. Okay, so you guys have welcomed three kids in this season? And would you say that the the communication, the ways that you’re able to connect and be a team, would you say that has remained pretty consistent? Do you think you know, each one, you’ve gotten a little bit more skillful? How has that felt?
{Mallorie}
I think it’s been a mix. I think in some ways, we’ve gotten more skillful, as far as like, falling into a routine and knowing like what each of us is, you know, good at and what the kids you know, like kids run a dad if they want to play and be goofy and silly. The kids want a mom when it’s time to bad, or calm down, or they get hurt. And that’s just like comes automatically. We’ve also kind of fallen better into like roles. So he’ll take dinner every night, which is wonderful, because I’m not a fan of cooking. He likes cooking, and I like cleaning. So that’s just like, been a routine. I would say communication and connecting and like, so I’ll be a fraud.
I’ve had to do horrendous postpartum anxiety that has gotten worse with each baby. And the sleep deprivation plays a huge piece in that Yeah. So like third time around. Also my four year old was getting up. She was having a little jealousy with baby than the baby’s up. And that’s where we I feel like it’s gotten worse we’ve really broken down because I think when you know in It goes our brains we have three little people to worry about now. So both of us have kind of like, went on the back burner. Sometimes I joke, I’m like, we’re just a mom and a dad right now. Like, it just kind of, is that season of life? And I think, with anxiety, it’s just very hard because he, we’ve never really figured out a way to effectively what’s the word I want to say, I don’t know, effectively, extinguish difficult situations through my anxiety. You know, I always feel like he’s not hearing me. And he’s really trying. So that’s where we are stuck.
{Chelsea}
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you want to get into that? Yeah, let’s get into that. Yes. Okay. I love it. So I want to just normalize that we all have these patterns, we all have ways that so many things play in here, you brought up like different upbringings. And so we just literally have different realities and expectations in our head. And, you know, that starts to even out a little bit, and we get to know each other and take on one another’s realities, expectations, all of that. But every transition is a transition. And so it’s always a time to revisit and relearn together, and have these conversations. So I’m so glad that we’re having this today. I talked to a mom on an app earlier today. And she’s like, I just don’t bring things up to my husband. And I’m like, okay, honey, like, let me say, in a lot of love, that’s not, that’s not going to fix it, that’s not going to make it better. In the long run, like, let’s learn how to bring up hard things. That’s going to be okay. So for you guys, you mentioned, you know, kind of getting in these patterns of wanting to be heard, maybe anxieties playing out here. Do you have a recent example? Or even just like this is the pattern we keep getting into? that comes to mind for you?
{Mallorie}
Yeah, there’s probably a couple of recent I can’t think of what well, I guess it’s kind of recent. So one of the things that always seems to kind of spark a, an argument is when, like, with disciplining the kids, or like, behavior management, that whole deal, just managing the kids in general, I guess it’s really hard for me to back off and let him you know, do his thing. Because I do come from this background of working with children. So of course, like, I’m like, come on, I’ve done this. And I’ve read the research. And I know this and he’s like, Well, I have parental intuition too. And I think sometimes, you know, we might go about it in the wrong way where like, I’m, like, correcting him in the moment. Like, he says something to the kids, and then I’m, like, straight on him. And maybe he doesn’t appreciate. And, you know, I think both of us kind of have these personalities. We’re like, as a lot of people as our children don’t like to be told what to do. So you kind of do the opposite. So that is one big struggle is just around the kids. And I will say like with third kid, I’ve, I’ve been a lot better backing off for about like the whatever dressing them whatever you want day for them, however you want to pay them however you want. But still, I’d say like that one sticking point right now is really like the discipline piece the behavior management, because that’s just where we have toddlers. So, yes, testing limits space.
{Chelsea}
Yes. That is a whole testing ground for everyone. And a really important thing to find some consistency in so yes, to reflect back, something that I heard you say was that you think that perhaps correcting him in the moment might bring up some kind of emotions, defensiveness, how does that play out? Does that escalate? Does that create ongoing tension?
{Mallorie}
Yes, so I’d say he is typically pretty good at biting his tongue. But he’ll say like something like kind of passive aggressive or snippy to just make sure that I know that he didn’t do that. And then I tend to be like the explosive one. So then I kind of explode. And I’ll totally admit, like we do differently, kids, and we, and it’s mostly me, and I know better, but you know, I guess in the moment it just comes out. So he’s typically a little bit better at restraining himself and I guess I tend to hold grudges and he doesn’t. But I guess you know, our We don’t really ever, like resolve it like this situation happens. We kind of like do our like, cattiness or whatever. And then it’s kind of done and over with. And I think a big part of that we set well, we both hold stuff in. I guess he’s a little better than me. But I guess we both he kind of explode in an angry way he just kind of he likes he’d like escapes, I don’t think he realized he does it, but who like go out with his friends? Or like, yeah, you know, leave and go do work or something? I guess. So I guess it never really gets resolved.
And especially in these early years. I typically get a better after the baby. So I feel like we don’t even I personally feel like I’m don’t have this like energy to even like, you know, reengage with with that. So I think that’s what happens is, it happens, it doesn’t get resolved. So like the cycle never ends, it just kind of starts over?
{Chelsea}
Yeah, yeah, definitely. That’s such good insight and information. What would be the ideal outcome of those situations for you? Like if you could write a script, you were making a TV show about a family that was doing this really well? How would you write that script?
{Mallorie}
So I think, ahead of time, we would really have set expectations, rules, whatever about kind of like, child manage child managing behaviors, discipline, whatnot. Which again, you know, it’s kind of hard, because there’s this threat, like specific situations that arise. And in my head, I’m like, I think it’s also very easy to look at a situation and be like, What are you doing? Or like, this is what I would have done. But in the moment, it’s kind of like, I don’t Well, I don’t know, I just did what felt right. So I think kind of having those set ahead of time, would help. And we’ve tried that, like I’ve, we’ve bought, like the big little feelings course, and we both went through that. But again, I think I have like a lot more practice than him. It just kind of is what it is. And I think I’m maybe a little bit more like, picky and forward about how I think it goes back to my upbringing that I’m trying to reparent my children a different way than I was parented. So I think that’s like a really big trigger for me. Yeah. So maybe, you know, me also working through that on my own, so that it doesn’t come out and in this like, angry, emotional way.
{Chelsea}
Yeah, yeah. You’re like, you are so insightful, to where you are and where you want to go. So that’s really commendable. In these situations, I want to just pull in these processing styles real quickly. It sounds to me like perhaps you are the external like you want to get it out and your partner is the internal or is that flipped?
{Mallorie}
Yeah, I want to say Yeah, he definitely keeps it away a lot more than me. I tend to be the like, keep it away. But I like to separate it in all my mind like the whole time and then it just explodes.
{Chelsea}
So do you find yourself playing it out in your head telling yourself the story, conjuring up emotions about the story that you told? Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. So I think that’s a really good place to enter into cycle breaking even and, and pattern breaking. I wonder what it could be like for you guys to find a different way to interrupt the pattern. So what I’m hearing is that your husband will maybe kind of make a slight ad comment. It might be kind of passive aggressive, but it’s like the like Mallory stop. Like we have to stop this right now. And so I’m wondering what a step could be like to insert some kind of code word or phrase because that is a starting point of we don’t need a slighted passive aggressive comment to stop this. But we already know like he’s recognizing this is a stopping point. This is an interruption point. Could we do something to interrupt that or like sound the alarms, that is not conjuring more of an emotional domino effect? What does what does that bring up for you?
{Mallorie}
I think that would be amazing. Because we have those fights later. Like I get that supermom guilt, like oh my gosh, why did I do that in front of my children? But then also, I think, like, I like what I’ve learned, and I’ve done some work If this is that, like, I need to feel validated, I think like with my anxiety that’s I just need to feel heard. Like, you heard me you validate that. I’m upset. And then that’s and that’s where we like, this is yeah, like rear off. So I think yeah, maybe if we did have that like, stop regroup. Yeah, they’re here. Diggers later.
{Chelsea}
Yeah, well, and so what you just said was that you tend to escalate because you’re seeking validation and not in a I hope that you understand this and it doesn’t sound like a slighted comment. I’ll be really gentle here. But it reminds me of thinking about parenting in our kids. And I identify with you here to Mallory like this is something I’ve had to work through, you know, our kids escalate. And we’re like, Why? Why is this like a level 10 situation, this should be a level two situation. And the reality is that they’re, they’re like, you’re not hearing me, you’re not validating my feelings. So I’m going to escalate and escalate and escalate. And I might be throwing a tantrum and look ridiculous doing it. But I’m going to show you that this is my feeling.
{Mallorie}
Yeah, I think that’s like, you hit the nail on the head. And honestly, I would personally probably go to, like, that’s a beautiful comparison. And that, like, when you said that I’m like, Oh, wow, oh my gosh.
{Chelsea}
So, so what I’m hearing is that something that could be expressed to your husband is like, Honey, I want your support, to not get to that level, like this is not my best self. This is not my best motherhood, this is not my best partner, ship. But I’m, I’m struggling because I need to feel seen and validated. And so I think that’s just a good, continual reminder in some language to use, like, it’s not an excuse, for the way I escalated. But what I’m looking for from you, is some validation. That gives me a follow up question, does he tend to be a fixer? Like, does this come into play?
{Mallorie}
Um, not I. Well, okay. So I think he’s made a shift. Early on, he probably was more of one. But in full disclosure, I can get really nasty sometimes when we’re having fights, like, and I think, like I said, it’s not an excuse, but my anxiety gets so high that you know, I’m, it feels low, but I’ve gotten used the divorce word, but I think like you said, it’s me throwing a tantrum to be heard. But I think you know, he’s grown, where he stands his ground more, which is a good thing that I’m like, for now. I mean, it just amplify with so like, 25?
{Chelsea}
Yes, it takes more to push them over the edge
{Mallorie}
Exactly. So yeah, I did early on he was. And now he’s doing just grown more. And he is much better at being the one to calm down, and then reach back out later and be like, Hey, can we talk about this? And sometimes I’m like, okay, and sometimes I’m still stewing. And I’m like, No, I’m going to bed.
{Chelsea}
Yeah, so this may not be super pertinent to where you are now, maybe it would have been after baby number one. But I find a lot of times for my external processors, what they want is just to be seen and heard and validated. And often they have partners who are fixers, and then they’re like, Why did you come to fix me? Like, could you just see me and just hear me so for those people, and for those of you listening, maybe you’re in an earlier season of motherhood, maybe your partner is trying to fix and it’s, you know, in earnest, well intended behavior, but it’s okay to say, to like preface with something bad. I don’t want you to fix this. I just want you to hear me right now. And I think that that helps us to set ourselves up for validation for the kind of emotional connection we’re looking for and not just getting answers. So I don’t know if that was at play for you early on. It was definitely for me, and that was a progressive lesson that we had to learn and really identifying what our needs are.
{Mallorie}
Yeah, well, I think that’s that’s been a big piece for us in that with my anxiety can get like, pretty intense and I think he never really knew, like, I don’t even know what you need. And honestly, some days I’m like, I don’t even know what I need. Okay, yeah. But now that I’ve done some work, I think like when you say that, that like, the like kids ever did or, like, solidified it for me that, like you said, I think I just want him in the moment to like, even if he said, Okay, I can see you’re really upset right now. You don’t like and to be seen. So I think like that is bringing up something recently. So I was trying to make a long story short, but I stay home, I’m working from home, doing a part time and trying to build my own business. So my mom stays home with my kids. And as I mentioned earlier, I’m trying to kind of repair it, it’s, you know, like we, our parents do the best they can. But there’s a lot of things that I do differently with my children. So it’s hard for her to make that change. So a lot of times I’m home, and I hear. So I try, I don’t have a good space where I can escape from it. So I hear everything that’s going on. That may not be how I would do it. And I’m still trying to let go of custom control with that.
One on DC gets to me, I think like he’s my person. So I will text him like this big long thing. And I’m like, just have to get all my like, anger and frustration out and be like, um, do this and the girls are screaming their heads off. And all she did was give them candy or something. What do you know, whatever we’re given to them. And I guess like, initially, in the beginning, he would like, just ignore me or be like, Okay, now not this again, like, well, because we could never come to a good solution with like, how to like, do we sending kids to school, like we have free daycare right now and they’re with my mom, I should be thankful. So I think they’re never like a solution never came out of that. But recently, I guess I had kind of changed my tone. And kind of what you said, I was like, Kyle, I just really need you to hear that, like I’m struggling here. And it really upsets me to be home all day, and hear this kind of stuff. And it’s just like really heartbreaking to me. And I think that he was like, Okay, I like it. I think I totally kind of low ball unload a little bit where I was like, for Mother’s Day, all I want to do is hear that I am frustrated, staying at home. hearing everything that happens. Yeah. And thank you. And he did. He validated and I think since then I’m like, okay, okay, this is great. I feel way better.
{Chelsea}
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it’s so interesting, the way I don’t want to get on a full tangent here. And I know you’ve done a lot of like inner work and re parenting and I don’t know, if you’re familiar with the term of like, Shadow Work, but they’re just being these parts of us that want to be seen, they are in us, they are maybe like, not our favorite traits about ourselves, but they don’t just go away, it has to be validated. And sometimes that’s, that’s our own work of inner validation. You know, if I, I’ll give you an example.
Like if I get super jealous sometimes of someone else, and I’ll be like, okay, you know what, like, that’s cute shells, that part of you. That’s, you know, this, this immature part of you is looking to be seen is looking, you know, to, to have this feeling, I recognize it. And I don’t totally embody it, I don’t take it back on. So sometimes we can see those emotions or those expressions, almost like they’re outside of ourselves. And, and I think we get to invite that into our relationship too. Like some things just get to be kind of third party neutral, we just have to recognize them, we have to validate them. But we don’t have to totally pin it on. This is exactly who Mallorie is, and what she always does, or, you know, the same with our partners, I think we get to let more things just be neutral. We just see them, and we move on.
But that also I want to make sure we have some time to talk about your desire. First, you know, we had the desire for validation. And so I think this comes down to these continual check ins with your husband, which it sounds like you’re already starting, but this can even be in the midst of you know, you start to feel yourself escalated. And this could be you know, I don’t want to get into that I can we just pause for a moment and can you just tell me that you see me and you hear me and you know this is hard.
Another idea for that is to insert some kind of code word and I I like to make those really silly, like, you know, I don’t know, it could be like pregnant giraffe. Or you could make it a different name and just say, when we say this word like we know, okay, this is the pause time this is the we’ve gotten too far. We need to take a break, like let’s walk away from this situation. But that leads me to this other part I want to get to that I hear from a lot of my specifically external processors is that we want to have a solution. Like it’s not, it doesn’t feel good for us to stop a conversation, and then ruminate over when like, what’s going to happen? Are we going to come back to this here are 29,000 outcomes I’ve come up with in my brain before we even revisit the conversation with my partner. How are you?
{Mallorie}
Yes, 100% That is me. Like I will go until like one of us, like steps up and says like, Hey, I’m sorry about the other day or Hey, I like sitting there stewing on everything like, you know, yeah, just the worst case scenarios like catastrophizing in my head.
{Chelsea}
Yes. Which does not do good things to our brains and bodies. And anxiety really does play like that. Yes. So what I’m wondering is how we can add a step into the process here, where maybe it’s like, as soon as you walk away, you shoot a text that says 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 60 minutes? Like, when could we check back in on this? Or, you know, I think oftentimes, we don’t revisit these conversations, because we’re waiting for the perfect circumstance. We’re waiting for the night when all the kids are in bed, and we’re ready to lay down and snuggle and talk about it. And like that’s, that’s a unicorn. So how can we get more creative? Is it a shared Google Doc? Is it a texting thread? Is it a notepad you keep by your bed, where it’s like, we might not be able to both show up for this conversation at the same time, but we are literally putting it somewhere and designating a time to pick it back up. So that and this is, you know, then the work for the external processor to say, You know what, I need to be present right now, I’m not going to be consumed by this because there’s a time to find a solution. What does that maybe been like? Or what do you think that could be like, with some different expectations set.
{Mallorie}
So I think that kind of what we discussed earlier, that seems to be the direction we’re going. So like, my, like you said, like, I will just have all this in my head. And I will just have to get it out in a text message. And it used to come out really nasty in a text message. But it was like, it’s out of my head. It’s there. It’s out in the open, and he can respond however he wants. But now I think I’m starting to make that shift of like, instead of getting nasty, and just little us letting all out. Let me like see how I can spend this in a way where like, you know, I feel frustrated when you don’t see me or you know, whatever, see that I’m struggling see that.
Motherhood is hard, and sometimes have a moment. So I think that could be a really good tool for us is the text. Because like you said it like sometimes I need that time to cool off. And for some reason, sometimes I can’t always say that stuff face to face. Initially. I don’t really know why. But sometimes it’s just super comfortable to start with texts, until everything settles down. And then I can be like, Okay, now we can talk. So I, but I think me remembering to say it in a respectful and positive way is the key piece to this.
{Chelsea}
Yes, yes. And I think to prefacing our partners so I don’t know about you, but like getting a super stressful text message in the middle of the day, like the work day does not feel great, especially when you don’t know like, okay, is this like an immediate solve life or death? I need to stop what I’m doing, or are you unloading right now. So in those situations, I find it can be helpful to put like preface. So read this or like, you don’t have to stop your day for this, or Preface. I do need help right now as soon as you’re able to give it so that is kind of the work on us as individuals and this goes both ways to evaluate the severity of a situation and sometimes it just feels good to get it off of our chest and that’s just what we need. We don’t need the response, the feedback right away anything. But we kind of owe it I think, to our partners then to say, this is what I’m doing. That way. When I tell you I seriously need help, you know that this is a seriously I need help situation.
{Mallorie}
Yeah, I think that, like, totally add that because like, like I said, I think I send these, like text where I just get it out and he’d be like, yeah, like, almost like you’re crying wolf again, like, and I’m like, I am Jesus, I just want to say it. And then I guess he actually is pretty good being like, so like, do I need to come home right now or like, this is everything, you got this. So I really like that, where as I just said, up front, and he doesn’t have to, like, freak out in the middle of the day. That’s really good. And I think, for me to be mindful of it is good. Because he works with my dad. So sometimes I think I take advantage of the situation. Just leave. It’s my dad. And he doesn’t want to do that. So I think that’s a really good strategy.
{Chelsea}
Yeah. And like you said, that’s, that’s good mindfulness for us. Because we then get to kind of reclaim some control over the clarity. It’s not just like, I feel reckless, I don’t understand myself. I’m not like, I’m just getting things out. But we’re taking responsibility for our own clarity. And then bringing that to the table for our partners. Yeah. Okay. So I feel like we have a couple of takeaways around this topic.
1. One being like, let’s insert something that is a escalation stopper that is agreed upon, it’s, you know, maybe it’s a silly phrase that lightens the mood, maybe it’s something an inside joke, or maybe it’s just, you know, some random word that your kids don’t know that it’s this interruption. But it doesn’t take something an emotionally driven comment to get someone to walk away or take that break.
2. And then that second thing that sounds like you guys are already really working on but can be even more forward and intentional with is setting that expectation, hey, I need to get this off my chest. This is urgent or this isn’t urgent, which is again, that personal responsibility and really communicating even more clearly, with our partners. Is there anything else that’s coming up for you?
{Mallorie}
Oh, um, no, I want to say that’s probably like, I think that’s where we, that probably covers it, because I feel like it’s very cyclical. And because it’s not really, you know, other than the discipline and behavior management, there’s not, it’s sometimes we’ll just be stupid stuff that we fade over. But it turns into that cycle where like, we ramp up because I’m not feeling hurt. So I think that that’s awesome. Because it it can apply to lots of different situations. Yeah, I think no, that’s feeling like a good generalized strategy to use
{Chelsea}
And I also just want to echo something important that you said that I think a lot of moms miss, especially in the early days is that parenthood, like entering motherhood, it’s horrible timing, but it brings up all of our childhood and our inner needs, and kind of those parts of us that are just wanting to be heard and validated and understood. And we might be a little angsty, or we might, you know, I think that we tend to revert to some of our like, teenage a persona. I don’t know if that’s true for you. But I thought that was true for me, a little ragey a little edgy, a little defensive. That was that was me in high school. And that really came back out in early motherhood.
And so that work of reparent in yourself of welcoming yourself as a changed person. And really like making space to get to know yourself again, and to validate yourself and love yourself like that is that is hard work. But it also reduces the amount of tension we’re bringing to our partners, the frustration we have with our kids, like, I don’t know about you, but I think that is probably up there as in the most important work we can do is really addressing that. So yeah,
{Mallorie}
Absolutely. That and I think you know, someday thing that I am learning that I don’t I, you know, I don’t know if it was a general general little excuse me, like general thing with like our parents, but it was a lot of you know, do as I say not as I do, but we know that kids are sponges and model our behaviors. Yeah. So I think that is something that’s huge for me, and especially with our interactions, like, I am telling them that when you feel bad, walk away and take deep breaths, but here I am used to being on their dad’s back, and I’m like, okay, maybe that’s why my four year old explodes when her sister or something, because that’s what mom does. So I think if we, and you know, as moms like that, like you said, like, learning and like creating good human beings is like totally what I want. And so like that modeling piece is just so huge, not only to our relationship as husband and wife, but as parents to our children. Yeah. Yeah. So that’s huge.
{Chelsea}
Yeah. Well, thank you for bringing that up. I know you just kind of passed on some wisdom. But as we wrap up, is there anything that you would want to pass on to a new mom, maybe a first time mom or someone that’s just really in that early season? What would you pass on to her?
{Mallorie}
Oh, I would pass on to oh, gosh, there’s so I feel like there’s so much but I don’t know. You know, and it’s not I would not let me maybe something I would not pass on. Something that I would not pass on is you know, like, enjoy every moment soak up every moment because guess what motherhood is not unicorns and rainbows. And I don’t I like being a mom is my most precious, favorite, hardest thing in the world. But like it like I love being mom. It’s it’s me. So I would say, take, you know, just don’t, I guess what I’m learning is?
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You really, if you were to this point where you were thinking about like, oh, shoot, like a yelled in front of my kid, like, you’re probably doing a good job. You’re, you know, you’re doing the best you can. So I think don’t be too judgmental of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. And then like when it comes to husband and wife, I think. I think it’s hard because I go back and forth. Like, we’re doing a lot of work. But a lot of times, like our partners are doing a lot of work, too. So I think something that I’m working on, and I think something that my husband really appreciate just sometimes just saying, like, thanks for doing that. Thanks for making dinner every single night. And it doesn’t take a lot. And I think for me, too, if he’s just like, Well, you had the kids all day on Friday, like, I know, that’s hard. Thanks for watching them on Friday. You know, even though it’s our job just validating like, hey, that’s kinda hard. Thanks for doing that. Yeah, I think that’s a huge, yeah. Huge shifts for both of you.
{Chelsea}
Totally. Yeah, I think it’s a lot less about the, like extravagant dates in trips, and it’s more about the literal thank yous and small moments in the day to day.
{Mallorie}
Absolutely, yeah.
{Chelsea}
Awesome. Okay, well, Mallory, I know that your share is going to be helpful to other moms who are navigating this and wading through these waters. So thank you for being willing to share a bit about your story and your journey. And we just thank you for showing up.
{Mallorie}
Yeah, no, thanks for having me. This is This is incredible. I love supporting other moms. I think it really takes a village so
{Chelsea}
Yeah, it does. Okay, well, thank you, and may you just be blossoming and cared for and validated and have a really sweet week ahead of you.